How to Heal From Past Hurt Like a Boss

Disclaimer: I am not a certified or licensed mental health care physician. If you are seeking immediate assistance please contact your primary care physician. In the case of an emergency please call 911 or The Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Please reach out if you need help. You matter!

However, what I am is a young woman who has been in your shoes that through the practice of self-patience found self-love and was able to save herself because pride got in the way of seeking help.

Hello and welcome! If you decided to click on the link to this article that either means you have bravely overcome a traumatic experience in your life and are now on the journey to recovery or someone close to you has overcome a traumatic experience in their life and you would like to be their support system while helping this person through the hurt they’ve experienced.

First and foremost, congratulations on making it through! I hope these words help initiate your/their healing process as it has for myself.

I was inspired to write this article after speaking as a guest panelist for The Starter Kit Series’ presentation of The Black Girl Starter Kit’s Interactive Workshop and Women’s Brunch at Freetown Cafe in the downtown arts district of Newark, New Jersey this past Saturday, July 22nd, which was sponsored by Empowering Her.

After sharing a room with many vibrate, beautiful, and talented women of color ranging in age and listening to the life stories of many, as women of color we share more in common than just the melanin in our skin. This common thread is having the ability to suppress past hurt. By not acknowledging hurt and properly healing from that pain, you leave the wound open to infect other parts of your life.

Society (by way of our parents, family members, friends, spouse and others) has taught us to base our value on a list of unattainable standards. This ranking system includes physical attributes, socioeconomic standing, gender expectations and highest level of education received all of which are superficial. Life’s battle scars and our flaws is what makes us unique and there is no list for that. Have you ever heard of golden joinery? Well in Japan for nearly 500 years, when household pottery was broken instead of discharging the damaged item the owner would repair it with lacquer made of gold, silver, or platinum. This method is known as kintsugi or golden joinery. The pieces believed to be damaged are now considered works of art. This is what you are!

The process of healing consists of three parts: acknowledgment of the hurt, forgiveness of the inflicter and a period of self-reflection. I found the most challenging part was turning the attention to myself to analyze my part in it all. Dr. Gail Brenner is a psychologist and author of The End of Self-Help. In a blog post on her personal website, Dr. Brenner lists 10 Life Changing Facts to Heal the Pain of the Past which focuses in the period of self-reflection. Below are three of Dr. Brenner’s facts that empowered me to take ownership of myself.


“The path to healing opens up once you are fed up by how the stories about the past impact you.”

Simply put, you are not a victim, you are a warrior. Thinking negative thoughts, viewing yourself in a negative light and/or speaking negative words about yourself will breathe life into bad energy. You are your thoughts!Change the way you think and it will change your life’s trajectory.


“Beliefs about healing can get in the way.”

This is where forgiveness of the inflicter and a period of self-reflection meet. You can not delayed your healing progress because of the inflicter. While their apology may be nice or the inflicter acknowledging their wrongdoing would be nice, you owe it to yourself to move on. Don’t fight fire with fire or you will be the one to get burned.


“Finding out who you are is the ultimate freedom.”

I didn’t even know my own strength until life tested me. The silver lining in the healing process is that you become a phoenix rising from the ashes. Who you were no longer exists and outcomes the best possible version of yourself.

You secure your bag, now it’s time to secure your mental health.


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